Friday, January 8, 2010

Infertility, Leukemia, & Jesus (Part 1)

I got to my blog reading yesterday and found several people posting on an article about infertility. Every time I see something or read something on infertility it is like a little slap in the face reminding me of the blows that life has dealt. I forged ahead however and decided to read the article. A few things jumped out at me that I would like to share over a few blog posts ..

Infertility shatters your identity. You have a picture in your mind. You are married. You have a house with a white picket fence. You have a minivan and a big dog. But where are the children? Infertility shatters this rosy picture. Infertility is often misunderstood. People take it lightly. A person with a chronic disease or terminal illness gets support from all those around them. But to a couple struggling with infertility, these same people offer platitudes. “Count all your blessings.” If one couple says they want kids, another says, “Take mine!”

This is so true. There is nothing like the mental and spiritual domination of infertility. To this very day I read articles like this looking for the author to say when their little miracle came and how it really helped them appreciate the baby all the more and how they realized God's providence in their life. Those articles I quickly put aside and the silent resentment that never leaves attempts to rekindle the embers of anger in my heart.

Infertility has taught me how to be careful of using words like devastating. Infertility has humbled me to the point of learning the definition of devastating. I never knew what devastation really was until infertility visited my family doorstep. Devastation is that place where hope is crushed but time still exists to experience it.

This is where my relationship with Christ needed to change. My concept of God was bound up in do's and don't, but those where insufficient to carry my wife and I through the devastation. This is where we needed to learn to live in grace, in that space that operates within the confines of grace while not bouncing our heads against the wall with requirements of the faith. We needed to understand the relational aspects of Christ versus the commands of Christ.

Please don't get me wrong, the commands of Christ form the pathway that allows us to walk in grace, to know him, but they are not the journey itself. The journey is walking in the promise of hope; namely that Jesus will redeem me from all devastation. That devastation will be no more.

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